(hint: these two creatures below).

Sometimes there were three atomic tantrums a day for days on end.  And then when she began self harming (biting, hitting herself in the head with rocks, and having no regard for the health and safety of her body when she was tantruming, I got really scared.  

I met with child psychologists, child psychotherapists, psychiatrists, parenting educators, nurses, pediatricians, GI doctors (she also had a chronic GI issue going on and I wondered if that was related), motherhood coaches, my own therapist, and finally I was recommended the book, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.  It changed my life. Truly.  It was the first time I felt like someone got what I was talking about and had fully wrapped their mind around how to deal with it.  Up until I found that book, I had the experience that all the challenges reported by other parents seemed so mild and petty compared to what was going on with Zoë, yet nothing seemed “wrong with her”.  I began working one on one with Mary and it was incredibly helpful.  Also during this time I had the great privilege of working for Polly Ely at The LAB Method (a parent education company) who wisely and dynamically guided me through this most challenging terrain.  I was becoming more resilient, learning so many more techniques and ways to work with her spirit, and learning about her temperament and my own and how to use the lens of temperament as a way to better reach, connect with, and understand her, and I had the gift of being able to employ all of the learning from my job at the LAB Method to Zoë all the time.  I was learning, she was growing, but still things were really intense.  Also, I had another baby when she was three.  And then, when she was five and a half, we moved from the heart of central Berkeley (a concrete clad urban environment) to the forest in Woodacre, West Marin, and her tantrums completely stopped. 

It was miraculous.  To this day, I can barely believe it.  Immediately following our move she went a whole month without a single meltdown. At the time a normal day for her consisted of at least one if not more nuclear meltdowns that lasted often for around forty minutes so this was flabbergasting. Then, after a month, she had one again and launched her cat car off the deck, smashing it to smithereens. She cried profusely but then quickly recovered, picked up the pieces, and resumed no further meltdowns for another two months or so.  And now, fast forward a year and a half (she’s now seven), and she simply does not tantrum anymore. There are tears here and there, of course, but nothing like what we used to go through.  She can self regulate.  She has discernment.  She seems to have found a solid anchor in herself.  She knows kindness, both toward herself and others.  The fire is still lit in her and she burns bright but now it is directed in generative and healthy ways. 

I wouldn’t be doing this work if it weren’t for Zoë, but I should also add that my son, Zyah has been mostly opposite from Zoë temperamentally and behaviorally - although he has become much more spunky recently so we’ll see! At heart though, he is flexible and fast adapting.  He transitions well.  He is deeply content.  He is easy going and teaches me how to let go of things that we don’t need to hold onto. Especially of the emotional variety.  He sleeps well and naps well and is not very sensitive.  He has intensity, but not in all the ways. He is just quite simply, more chill.  This has been incredibly fascinating for me as a relationship nerd, because I have these two beings spanning the extreme ends of the spectrum on so many qualities and traits.  It has given me perspective and training on how to be with different types of kids.  An orchid and a dandelion.  An HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and a go-with-the-flow guy.  And it has given me compassion and forgiveness for myself for my journey with Zoë. So many times I thought, “What’s wrong with me that I can’t—fill in the blank with most normal activities like sleeping, eating, shopping—with my kid?” And once I had Zyah, I realized it was a different situation with Zoë that just required more.  

Over the course of this journey with Zoë, I have gained perspective, tools, strategies, and more compassion and empathy than I can quantify for working with parents of spirited kids.  I feel deeply called and honored to do this work with parents so that they can be better parents and raise healthy, happy, well regulated kids and create family systems that feel good and function well.